Living in the present...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson

Self-doubt sucks. It's where my insecurities rest. Some days are a breeze, others are a nightmare. Some nights I lay in my bed, replay the entire day and evaluate my actions and reactions to everything. Then I think to myself -- "Why did I say that?" or "Why did I do that?" or "Why did that person react to me that way?" And there I go criticizing my every move and every word.

I am my biggest critic. 

I've suffered from anxiety. I've been admitted into the hospital for what I thought were heart attacks that turned out to be panic attacks. I never knew how much our mental state could affect our physical state. I've had nights where my heart felt like it was going to bust out my chest. I've had nights when  I couldn't breathe properly because it felt like my lungs weren't getting enough air. I've had nights that  I've lost feeling in my arms and couldn't even grasp a bottle of water. I've had nights that I wish I could just close my eyes and not wake up. Those nights were long and painful though I wish I could say they were far and few.

Panic attack - a sudden surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear. Your heart pounds and you can’t breathe. You may even feel like you’re dying or going crazy. Left untreated, panic attacks can lead to panic disorder and other problems. They may even cause you to withdraw from normal activities. But panic attacks can be cured and the sooner you seek help, the better. With treatment, you can reduce or eliminate the symptoms of panic and regain control of your life.

2017 has been life altering for me. I've forced myself to not worry about the what-ifs. I've had to face my truth, set a new standard for myself, and establish personal goals.

I had to regain control of my life. 

No longer do I hold on to the past and where I've failed, but I look forward to accomplishing personal goals. I've had to re-train myself to learn that I really don't have control over everything. I can only control only myself. A lot of my anxiety stemmed from striving to meet others' standards and when I failed, not only did anxiety hit me hard, but depression came along right behind it. Therefore I set my own standards and try to reach those daily. I've had to take baby steps.  I'm a big planner. I like to set daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly goals. I'm so glad when I get to check things off in accomplishment. I don't share them with many people, but it's eased my anxiety because I've learned that not everyone is going to be on my side and there's also a fine line between transparency and oversharing.

This journey. This anxiety. It has become the thorn in my flesh.