What forgiveness feels like...

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and there is anything praiseworthy-- meditate on these things." Phillipians 4:8 

Sometimes as I do some self-reflection, I begin to go over the "what ifs" in my life. What if I did this instead of that? What if I went here and not there? What if I lived here instead of there? What if I listened? What if I was less stubborn? What if I was less fearful? What if I opened my mouth and said something? 

Forgiveness is one of the foundations of my Christian walk. I've learned about God's grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness all throughout my life. But what happens when God has forgiven you, but you haven't been able to forgive yourself? Sometimes it seems easier to forgive someone else rather than yourself. How do you get pass the guilt? 

I've learned that a lot of poor choices I made were birthed from fear and insecurities. I was fearful of feeling inadequate, but my behaviors ended up being self-destructive. I've had to humble myself and apologize to people I've hurt and/or let down. I've had to re-live painful moments that I never wanted to revisit so that I can heal. Along this road of self-reflection, I noticed my pattern of self-sabotage. As I've become aware of my self-destructive behaviors, I've been able to make a conscious effort to not get my mind stuck there. I am able to pray more intentional prayers, actively seek godly counsel, and express my fears and anxieties. I used to think that God was punishing me all the time (and I also felt like I deserved it), but I learned that although He has removed my transgressions, that doesn't exclude me from natural consequences. Here's the catch... I need not dwell in my sorrow or my guilt. I cannot allow myself to drown in depression. I cannot constantly replay the negative choices I made. If God isn't blaming me, why am I blaming myself? "Steph... you need to get over it." That's exactly what I tell myself, sometimes daily. Once I begin to wallow in guilt, all the ugly parts of me start to show. And I don't want to be ugly. 

So I ask -- what does forgiveness feel like? It feels like freedom. Joy. Healing. Like being able to breathe after coming up from the water. Forgiveness feels like gaining your power back.