Pulling off the band-aid...

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." -Psalm 40:2

When I was able to face my truth, that's when grace came into my life. For so much of my life, I felt that I had to always perform. I always had the excel in all areas of my life with no exceptions. I always had to help myself, family, and those around me but I failed to get my priorities straight. Because of the need to perform, I struggled with anxiety. My mental health was put in the back burner. My emotional stability was non-existent. Everyone always came to me to seek advice whether it be about seeking God or helping them fix up their resume.

Based on my Myers-Briggs test results, I am an ESFJ. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, take the test for yourself and see what your personality type is at 16personalities.com) I am considered "the consul/caregiver." Aside from that, God created me to be a "help meet." Hence, my desire to always want to help. It's in my design. But what happens when the helper needs help?

My experiences in the last two years of my life has taught me that I am not invincible. I don't HAVE to do it all, and that's okay. There is no need to feel like I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's what I have God for. Even growing up in church, I let my circumstances cloud my vision in my faith. It's like I forgot who God was. I forgot who I was. I had to be broken down and that was scary. 

Vulnerability is scary. 

I lost myself. I lost my desires. I was numb to everything and everyone. Everything was "fine." It is what it is. That was my motto-- and I was in a slump.  I practically went into hiding. I no longer wanted to deal with people, and I surely didn't want anyone asking about me. I didn't even want to face my reality or ask myself those tough questions.

Exposure is necessary. 

Time passed and I faced a pivotal point in my life. I had the toughest conversation that I've ever had with anyone in my entire life that essentially made me ask myself, "Who am I really?" To this day the words that echo in my heart every single day are:

 "Don't let this world change who you are." 

Those few words changed my entire perspective in my life. A lot was said in that particular encounter, but nothing hit me more than that. We get so caught up in our lives, our circumstances, our weaknesses, and failures. I never knew what failing felt like until I lost it all. After losing everything that I considered my life, I didn't know how to cope with failure. Imagine the anxiety that hit me. I hid my pain and depression behind smiles and laughter and unbeknownst to anyone everyday I wished my life would end painlessly. 

There is so much more I can write here, and I'm so glad I have this space to self-reflect.  I am still uncovering layers of myself that I never knew I had, but I am so thankful to be able to face my own truths fearlessly. It hurts to peel band-aids off, but proper healing is necessary.