Living in Freedom...

I used to think I sucked at life. I remember being in church services where the Pastor would preach about living a life of abundance and freedom. I listened on different ways to "walk in my calling" and "live a life of purpose." I went to events, groups, read books, and listened to sermons about my gifts and calling. I stressed myself out with the amount of time I invested in finding who I was. Great! Another thing to add to my list of things to stress over. I did all of these things to be able to knowwho I was and what exactly I was on this earth for. Walking blindly is scary, especially when anxiety was the blanket I slept with at night. I just wanted to figure it out.

My own thoughts is what consumed me. I pressured myself.

I wanted to feel amazing. I wanted to feel powerful. I wanted to feel blessed. But, I wasn't even feeling myself. Where was this joy people spoke of? Where was this "blessed" feeling? I realized I didn't experience any of it authentically without any outside sources. I always had the need to be around people even if they were toxic. I always needed to be busy doing something even if it wasn't productive. I wanted to feel healed and free when no one was around. Everyday I woke up wishing I hadn't. This went on for years. My soul was in pain. 

And one day...

I decided I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I didn't want to mope around with my head hanging low. I was tired of trying to act like I was okay while I was falling apart. I had to choose to a mindset and beliefs that were healthy for me. I went to therapy and was even on medication. I was (dys)functioning as a mother, wife, professional, Christian, and friend. This was normal, butI wanted to be balanced and live in a state of equilibrium so bad.  I woke up one morning and snatched my power back and felt stronger than ever before. I refused to spend another day with my mind on 100. This is why I believe in having a healthy mind. It controls every single thing in our life. We don't just have it all together all the time. I've learned to live in my truth. I've accepted the crap I've done and experienced, took responsibility for my actions, and decided not to hold onto it. I released them and they are no longer factors in my life. 

I'm so grateful to feel mentally sane and healthy. I've come such a long way and have become my own biggest fan.