Grandma is gone... One Year Later

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Matthew 5:4 

June 15, 2016: 

Fortunately, I've never dealt with a loss of a loved one as an adult.  My maternal grandmother passed away when I was seven years old, and although I have many memories with her, the concept of death didn't really click at that time. Many years later when my paternal grandmother passed, it was a surreal experience. My youngest brother graduated Saint Peter's University in May 2016. He visited her in the hospital and even got a picture with her in his cap & gown, but even after a few weeks of her being in the hospital we thought she was going to pull through like she always did. I was engulfed in my own drama and life problems, it never dawned on me that I may lose her. 

I got a call from my mother saying that Grandma wasn't looking too good and the family needs to gather together and see her. She was on life support and was going to leave us any day. It still didn't register. I was never a fan of making hospital visits because they remind me of death. My other grandmother passed away in the hospital from breast cancer, I almost died in one back in 2011 after the birth of my daughter, and here I was again. It was a stressful couple of days having to find someone to stay with my kids so I can get myself to the hospital in Brooklyn. I picked up my youngest brother in Jersey City and we headed over. I never liked driving in New York, but there I was with anxiety trying to weave through traffic. I still thought Grandma was going to pull through. 

I finally got to the hospital and greeted my family. It really sucks having to see everyone together under these circumstances. My grandmother didn't look the same.  Her extremities were swollen, and she laid there breathing so slowly. We played Spanish Christian "coritos" in the background and softly sang some of her favorite songs. After some time, the doctor came in and said he would remove her tubes when we were ready. My grandmother wanted everyone there when they did this, but my father was nowhere to be found. (I think he took her death the hardest of anyone). The doctor did let us know that after the tubes are removed there's no telling when she will take her final breath. 

I held her hand, kissed her cheek, and told her "God is waiting to finally meet you." Shortly, after she left us. 

I cried so hard in the hospital hallway. I couldn't contain the pain I felt. I didn't know how. My life was already in shambles. I wasn't okay. I was broken. Everything in my life was failing. And to have lost her at that moment in my life was even more devastating. I rushed out the hospital to go pick up my kids and didn't know how to react. I was numb, but I had to be Mom for my kids. My husband and I were separated at the time, so it was just me. The only thing I could do function was numb my emotions. With all that was going on in my life, the only thing I could do was numb myself of everything.  Summer 2016 was one of the most difficult summers of my life. I am a feeler. I am empathetic. I love wholeheartedly. My emotions are strong. This summer I was empty.

Numb.

Nobody knew what was going on in my mind. I didn't share. I lost sight of who I was. It was definitely a scary & dark time in my life.

I never grieved my grandmother's death. I don't think there's an allotted amount of time to mourn, but I do know I never did, although it passes by in spurts. I watched Moana with my kids and the grandmother in the movie looked just like mine did -- her white hair, her beautiful skin color, even the way she talked. She was a feisty woman. Sometimes I reach my phone to call her because it doesn't always register to me that she's not here. I reflect on my life now versus where I was a year ago, and I know without a doubt that my grandmother is proud of me. Despite anything that ever happened, she always told me to stand firm in God. I've never met a woman of God like her. It never mattered what anyone said. Their opinions didn't matter. Most will call it stubborn, but I like to see it as unshakeable, unmovable faith. I want to make it to 94 years old like she did and look back on my life knowing that God is pleased with me and says "Well done, my good and faithful servant."