2017: This chapter of my life is called happiness.

"A year from now you will wish you had started today." 

-Karen Lamb

On December 30, 2016 I wrote a list of things I wanted to in 2017. On that day, I remember being so hopeful for the new year. I was in the process of getting over a recent bout of depression and anxiety. I was getting the pieces of my life together and things seemed to be looking up, but I had no real direction. I was on the job hunt having interviewed at a few places the week before Christmas, but still hadn't heard back from any potential employers. We were still breaking in our new home that we just moved into four months prior. It was still a new chapter that had just started being written.

Ironically, 365 days later I flipped open my notepad and saw what I wrote. Honestly, I got a little choked up as I read it. There were some personal and private things I wanted to attain. With God's mercy and grace, I can say that has been scratched off my list. Within the first couple of months in 2017, I began to see those things come into fruition. I started my new job on January 9, 2017 as an Administrative Assistant. It was close to home and the exact hours I needed to be able to drop off/pick up the kids from school with flexibility to work from home. It was definitely sent from God. It couldn't be a coincidence that I got exactly what I prayed for in a job. I am coming up on my one year anniversary at my job and I was blessed with an unexpected raise and a new title. I feel so fulfilled and appreciated where I work and can't imagine doing anything else. At the same time, I was experiencing a restoration and strengthening in my relationships. I'll go more into detail about that in a future post. That needs a whole post of its own. There were some financial goals I set that I was able to achieve and others that I will carry on and work towards in 2018, but I am so happy that this year we were able to go on a few family staycations. My kids experienced a hotel stay for the first time this year. I know that may seem odd, but we could never afford stays with three children. I even went on my first trip to San Diego for my 30th birthday. I hadn't been on a plane since 2004 so my nerves were on high but I had the time of my life. I made it a mission to change my habits and learn to budget better -- from joining Facebook groups for families to searching on Ebates for deals. (By the way, Ebates has been a blessing in 2017. Not only was I able to save money, but I earned cash back while doing my regular shopping. I didn't think it could possibly work, but I get my cash back earnings deposited into my Paypal account every quarter. I'll leave my referral link at the bottom of this post). 

Moving along, I've learned so much about myself in 2017. There were some rough patches I had to get through but I am so blessed to see how much has changed in a year. Home feels like home, my kids are happy, and I went from 103 pounds to 116 pounds in a year. I'm still small, but I feel so much more confident and healthy. 2017 has been my year of happiness. 

In 2018, I'm looking forward to blogging more frequently. I'm looking forward to learning more about myself and those around me. I'm looking forward to living unapologetically. I'm looking forward to flourishing and seeing those around me flourish. I will travel more. I will experience more. I will love more. I will live in the moment more. I will doubt less. I will worry less. I will cry less.

What are you looking forward to in 2018?

See you in 2018! 

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Click here to get cashback in 2018 when you shop!

Hi. My name is Trust Issues.

vulnerable (adjective) - capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

Emotionally wounded.

I've trusted too quickly. I've always given everyone the benefit of a doubt. Innocent until proven guilty.
Maybe it was me being naive or maybe it was just treating everyone the way I wanted to be treated. My most intimate relationships were butchered.

A friendship of 15 years was tarnished because I trusted too much. The person I trusted everything with was the same person who leaked my life stories to those around her. I trusted her with my most intimate secrets -- the dark sides of me -- the ugly sides of me. But I later find out that others knew those sides of me too. Admittedly, I've had others lose their trust in me because of decisions I've made or things I've said or done. I've failed to keep my word, lied, withheld information, and done things that were out of my character. We've become so accustomed to living in a bubble of distrust. Trust no one because we never want to be vulnerable again. We learn to live with disappointments and live to protect ourselves. We live in skepticism and suspicion. This, in turn, results in a self-fulfilling prophecy because, of course, people will fail us and we will fail people.

Vulnerability is terrifying. It feels safer behind the walls we've built. Being vulnerable is like removing a security blanket and you're left in the cold. I know there are a lot of people who have trust issues from more than just a break-up or life drama. Abusive relationships, mental illnesses, emotional trauma, and other traumatic life events can cause us to never trust a soul for the rest of our lives, not even family members. With that being said, I pray for healing and restoration in those areas. I pray that as your life becomes so filled with love and compassion those areas of hurt and mistrust minimize. There are also resources available. I'm not ashamed to say that therapy and counseling is available and it helps. Sometimes we need help getting to the root of our issues. 

"When trauma becomes a part of your identity, it can be terrifying to consider who you are outside of that. The idea of living a life without dysfunction may even seem impossible. Often, you will engage in self sabotaging behavior simply because the pain is familiar."  @EboneeDavis via Twitter

I've had to practice self-compassion. 

We were created to have relationships. We want to belong, connect, and be in relation with others. When we deny ourselves that natural desire we shorthand ourselves. “Self-compassion is about giving ourselves room to be human, to be flawed and sensitive, lazy and unproductive, without having to define ourselves by those flashes of feelings and ways of being. It’s about cultivating a perspective over ourselves so we never shut ourselves down and never lose faith in our own potential just because we may fly off the deep end one night or hole up in our apartment all weekend.” When we give ourselves this pass, it gives us the ability to be able to see others the same. I am still working on giving myself permission to love myself. 

Kissing my 20s goodbye...

I always wondered what it would feel like when I turned 30.  Did anyone feel like they reached the "age of enlightenment" when they turned 30? Are we still considered "young" adults? When I turned 29 I was almost disappointed because I wanted to celebrate the big 3-0. I've been completely obsessed with turning 30.

And here I am... just a few hours short of November 4, 2017.

Year 30.

I am so ready to rock in my 30s. I'm ready to overcome obstacles, create new memories, and love myself like I never have. I want to enjoy experiences and not always have everything planned out. I want to be more spontaneous. I want to travel. Can I plan to be more spontaneous?  I don't think I was this excited to turn 21.

Bye bye 20s. You kicked my ass, but I'm still here.

Hello 30s. I'm ready to make this the best years of my life. Let's do this. 

-Stephanie

Check out this list on Bustle! 

11 Reasons Turning 30 is Awesome!

30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30

In just two weeks, I'll be turning 30. My 20s have been the years I will never forget. I experienced so many things in different areas of my life. I got married just a few days after my 23rd birthday, I had my two youngest kids in my 20s and completed my family, and I met some of the most amazing people in my 20s. I also experienced panic attacks for most of my 20s while suffering with anxiety. In my 20s I had a near death experience after my daughter was born. I also experienced homelessness and losing everything I had. I lost my grandmother, went through a grueling heartbreak and suffered with depression. In my 29th year -- I experienced restoration of life. 

As I enter my 30s, I still have a lot of questions, but I'm looking forward to what's ahead. Here's what I learned in my 20s:

1. Walk. There’s no need to rush everywhere. Stop and smell the roses.
2. Talk. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
3. Quality > Quantity. 
4. Don’t doubt yourself.
5. Death sucks & grieving is a process. Allow yourself to heal. 
6. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
7. Change is necessary. Adapting is essential to life.
8. Love yourself before you try loving anybody else. 
9. Thing are replaceable but memories are forever.
10. Don’t allow anyone to get you out of character.
11. You won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Hey, some people like coffee.
12. Stop being sorry for everything.
13. It’s okay to be vulnerable, but don’t let anyone play you for a fool.
14. Learn to cook...because ordering out every day is costly and wack.
15. There’s nothing wrong with doing things alone. Time waits for no one. Go check out that movie. Book that flight. Explore and have fun.
16. No. The most powerful two letter English word.
17. There's nothing like family. 
18. Coffee is life.
19. Exercise. Keep your blood flowing and your body moving.
20. Take a fun class. Yoga, cooking, Zumba, painting. Try it and enjoy!
21. You’re gorgeous!
22. Put the cell phone down and interact.
23. Clutter sucks. Clean out the closet.
24. Credit is important. Pay bills on time. Bad credit will hit you harder than you think.
25. You are stronger than you think.
26. Learn to walk in a pair of high heels. I promise you’ll feel sexier than you already are.
27. Cleanse. Tone. Moisturize. A skin regime is so important.
28. Being in a relationship is hard work. It requires a lot of compromise and communication, but it’s worth it.
29. Love exists.
30. Don’t change for anyone.

What are some things you learned in your 20s? What things are you still learning? Feel free to share. :)

Facing Our Shadows

Loving yourself is purposely finding your shadows, breaking them open, and letting the light shine through the cracks.

There are some people that we cross paths with and although you don't speak to each other all the time, the connection won't ever be broken. Eliana is one of those people to me. We meet some years ago (around 2011 or 2012) and we clicked and connected. We've seen the growth in each other throughout the years, and I still admire her. Had my life taken a different turn and I didn't start a family at a young age, I probably would have been traveling the world with her -- never staying in one city or country too long.

Eliana is a lover of life. I enjoy following her travels, reading her blogs, checking out her Facebook statuses. She's genuine, witty, and really has a heart for people and purpose. She has so many strengths, but just like me and you, she has weaknesses. Sometimes our weaknesses disable us. Sometimes we idolize our weaknesses and forget how strong we really are. We become blind to our purpose and we forget who we are.

Eliana recently posted two blogs entitled "Facing Our Shadows (Parts 1 & 2 respectively). Please take a moment to click the link to her blog below.

"Shadows are the dark parts of us. They are the parts of us that we don’t know about or pretend are not there. Shadows occur as a result of not expressing or processing our feelings or as Dr. Shefali states, “the shadow is the house of all unintegrated feelings of childhood.” When we are growing up, most of us are not taught to be vulnerable.  We are not shown to say “This is hurting me. I feel sad. I am angered by this situation."

Facing Our Shadows (Part One) - Eliana Reyes 

It's Fall, y'all!

"The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let dead things go." -Unknown

Fall is here and it's bittersweet. I love the summer and I bask in its glory. Once mid-August comes around, I quickly start to miss the warmth of summer and the smell of neighborhood BBQs. I even being to miss scent of sunscreen along with the pungent smell of bug spray. There's nothing more fun than family time during the summer when there are so many things to do and so many places to see.

And here comes fall -- where the days get shorter and the nights get longer. As temperature change, the leaves follow suit. It's a season of transformation, a season of change.

So what am I doing this fall? I'm letting go of the warm summer nights and visits to the beach, the smell of zeppoles frying at the fair, the sound of Mister Softee driving down the street. But, I am also letting go of any negative thoughts that have lingered in mind -- self-doubt, insecurities, toxic relationships.

The leaves are changing and so am I. 

They withstand rain in the spring and soak in the sun in the summer.  They change from green to burnt orange with a touch of amber in Autumn and fall in time to keep themselves away from the cold winter. They are ever-changing. They don't complain when it's time to change. This fall I am encouraging myself to continue to change to a stronger, better me-- to continue to thrive even when things are changing around me or when others want to be cold towards me or try to rain on my parade.

This season I am going to continue to fall in love with myself, with my passions, with my life.

Living in the present...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson

Self-doubt sucks. It's where my insecurities rest. Some days are a breeze, others are a nightmare. Some nights I lay in my bed, replay the entire day and evaluate my actions and reactions to everything. Then I think to myself -- "Why did I say that?" or "Why did I do that?" or "Why did that person react to me that way?" And there I go criticizing my every move and every word.

I am my biggest critic. 

I've suffered from anxiety. I've been admitted into the hospital for what I thought were heart attacks that turned out to be panic attacks. I never knew how much our mental state could affect our physical state. I've had nights where my heart felt like it was going to bust out my chest. I've had nights when  I couldn't breathe properly because it felt like my lungs weren't getting enough air. I've had nights that  I've lost feeling in my arms and couldn't even grasp a bottle of water. I've had nights that I wish I could just close my eyes and not wake up. Those nights were long and painful though I wish I could say they were far and few.

Panic attack - a sudden surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear. Your heart pounds and you can’t breathe. You may even feel like you’re dying or going crazy. Left untreated, panic attacks can lead to panic disorder and other problems. They may even cause you to withdraw from normal activities. But panic attacks can be cured and the sooner you seek help, the better. With treatment, you can reduce or eliminate the symptoms of panic and regain control of your life.

2017 has been life altering for me. I've forced myself to not worry about the what-ifs. I've had to face my truth, set a new standard for myself, and establish personal goals.

I had to regain control of my life. 

No longer do I hold on to the past and where I've failed, but I look forward to accomplishing personal goals. I've had to re-train myself to learn that I really don't have control over everything. I can only control only myself. A lot of my anxiety stemmed from striving to meet others' standards and when I failed, not only did anxiety hit me hard, but depression came along right behind it. Therefore I set my own standards and try to reach those daily. I've had to take baby steps.  I'm a big planner. I like to set daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly goals. I'm so glad when I get to check things off in accomplishment. I don't share them with many people, but it's eased my anxiety because I've learned that not everyone is going to be on my side and there's also a fine line between transparency and oversharing.

This journey. This anxiety. It has become the thorn in my flesh.