Hi. My name is Trust Issues.

vulnerable (adjective) - capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

Emotionally wounded.

I've trusted too quickly. I've always given everyone the benefit of a doubt. Innocent until proven guilty.
Maybe it was me being naive or maybe it was just treating everyone the way I wanted to be treated. My most intimate relationships were butchered.

A friendship of 15 years was tarnished because I trusted too much. The person I trusted everything with was the same person who leaked my life stories to those around her. I trusted her with my most intimate secrets -- the dark sides of me -- the ugly sides of me. But I later find out that others knew those sides of me too. Admittedly, I've had others lose their trust in me because of decisions I've made or things I've said or done. I've failed to keep my word, lied, withheld information, and done things that were out of my character. We've become so accustomed to living in a bubble of distrust. Trust no one because we never want to be vulnerable again. We learn to live with disappointments and live to protect ourselves. We live in skepticism and suspicion. This, in turn, results in a self-fulfilling prophecy because, of course, people will fail us and we will fail people.

Vulnerability is terrifying. It feels safer behind the walls we've built. Being vulnerable is like removing a security blanket and you're left in the cold. I know there are a lot of people who have trust issues from more than just a break-up or life drama. Abusive relationships, mental illnesses, emotional trauma, and other traumatic life events can cause us to never trust a soul for the rest of our lives, not even family members. With that being said, I pray for healing and restoration in those areas. I pray that as your life becomes so filled with love and compassion those areas of hurt and mistrust minimize. There are also resources available. I'm not ashamed to say that therapy and counseling is available and it helps. Sometimes we need help getting to the root of our issues. 

"When trauma becomes a part of your identity, it can be terrifying to consider who you are outside of that. The idea of living a life without dysfunction may even seem impossible. Often, you will engage in self sabotaging behavior simply because the pain is familiar."  @EboneeDavis via Twitter

I've had to practice self-compassion. 

We were created to have relationships. We want to belong, connect, and be in relation with others. When we deny ourselves that natural desire we shorthand ourselves. “Self-compassion is about giving ourselves room to be human, to be flawed and sensitive, lazy and unproductive, without having to define ourselves by those flashes of feelings and ways of being. It’s about cultivating a perspective over ourselves so we never shut ourselves down and never lose faith in our own potential just because we may fly off the deep end one night or hole up in our apartment all weekend.” When we give ourselves this pass, it gives us the ability to be able to see others the same. I am still working on giving myself permission to love myself. 

Kissing my 20s goodbye...

I always wondered what it would feel like when I turned 30.  Did anyone feel like they reached the "age of enlightenment" when they turned 30? Are we still considered "young" adults? When I turned 29 I was almost disappointed because I wanted to celebrate the big 3-0. I've been completely obsessed with turning 30.

And here I am... just a few hours short of November 4, 2017.

Year 30.

I am so ready to rock in my 30s. I'm ready to overcome obstacles, create new memories, and love myself like I never have. I want to enjoy experiences and not always have everything planned out. I want to be more spontaneous. I want to travel. Can I plan to be more spontaneous?  I don't think I was this excited to turn 21.

Bye bye 20s. You kicked my ass, but I'm still here.

Hello 30s. I'm ready to make this the best years of my life. Let's do this. 

-Stephanie

Check out this list on Bustle! 

11 Reasons Turning 30 is Awesome!

30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30

In just two weeks, I'll be turning 30. My 20s have been the years I will never forget. I experienced so many things in different areas of my life. I got married just a few days after my 23rd birthday, I had my two youngest kids in my 20s and completed my family, and I met some of the most amazing people in my 20s. I also experienced panic attacks for most of my 20s while suffering with anxiety. In my 20s I had a near death experience after my daughter was born. I also experienced homelessness and losing everything I had. I lost my grandmother, went through a grueling heartbreak and suffered with depression. In my 29th year -- I experienced restoration of life. 

As I enter my 30s, I still have a lot of questions, but I'm looking forward to what's ahead. Here's what I learned in my 20s:

1. Walk. There’s no need to rush everywhere. Stop and smell the roses.
2. Talk. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
3. Quality > Quantity. 
4. Don’t doubt yourself.
5. Death sucks & grieving is a process. Allow yourself to heal. 
6. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
7. Change is necessary. Adapting is essential to life.
8. Love yourself before you try loving anybody else. 
9. Thing are replaceable but memories are forever.
10. Don’t allow anyone to get you out of character.
11. You won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Hey, some people like coffee.
12. Stop being sorry for everything.
13. It’s okay to be vulnerable, but don’t let anyone play you for a fool.
14. Learn to cook...because ordering out every day is costly and wack.
15. There’s nothing wrong with doing things alone. Time waits for no one. Go check out that movie. Book that flight. Explore and have fun.
16. No. The most powerful two letter English word.
17. There's nothing like family. 
18. Coffee is life.
19. Exercise. Keep your blood flowing and your body moving.
20. Take a fun class. Yoga, cooking, Zumba, painting. Try it and enjoy!
21. You’re gorgeous!
22. Put the cell phone down and interact.
23. Clutter sucks. Clean out the closet.
24. Credit is important. Pay bills on time. Bad credit will hit you harder than you think.
25. You are stronger than you think.
26. Learn to walk in a pair of high heels. I promise you’ll feel sexier than you already are.
27. Cleanse. Tone. Moisturize. A skin regime is so important.
28. Being in a relationship is hard work. It requires a lot of compromise and communication, but it’s worth it.
29. Love exists.
30. Don’t change for anyone.

What are some things you learned in your 20s? What things are you still learning? Feel free to share. :)

Facing Our Shadows

Loving yourself is purposely finding your shadows, breaking them open, and letting the light shine through the cracks.

There are some people that we cross paths with and although you don't speak to each other all the time, the connection won't ever be broken. Eliana is one of those people to me. We meet some years ago (around 2011 or 2012) and we clicked and connected. We've seen the growth in each other throughout the years, and I still admire her. Had my life taken a different turn and I didn't start a family at a young age, I probably would have been traveling the world with her -- never staying in one city or country too long.

Eliana is a lover of life. I enjoy following her travels, reading her blogs, checking out her Facebook statuses. She's genuine, witty, and really has a heart for people and purpose. She has so many strengths, but just like me and you, she has weaknesses. Sometimes our weaknesses disable us. Sometimes we idolize our weaknesses and forget how strong we really are. We become blind to our purpose and we forget who we are.

Eliana recently posted two blogs entitled "Facing Our Shadows (Parts 1 & 2 respectively). Please take a moment to click the link to her blog below.

"Shadows are the dark parts of us. They are the parts of us that we don’t know about or pretend are not there. Shadows occur as a result of not expressing or processing our feelings or as Dr. Shefali states, “the shadow is the house of all unintegrated feelings of childhood.” When we are growing up, most of us are not taught to be vulnerable.  We are not shown to say “This is hurting me. I feel sad. I am angered by this situation."

Facing Our Shadows (Part One) - Eliana Reyes 

It's Fall, y'all!

"The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let dead things go." -Unknown

Fall is here and it's bittersweet. I love the summer and I bask in its glory. Once mid-August comes around, I quickly start to miss the warmth of summer and the smell of neighborhood BBQs. I even being to miss scent of sunscreen along with the pungent smell of bug spray. There's nothing more fun than family time during the summer when there are so many things to do and so many places to see.

And here comes fall -- where the days get shorter and the nights get longer. As temperature change, the leaves follow suit. It's a season of transformation, a season of change.

So what am I doing this fall? I'm letting go of the warm summer nights and visits to the beach, the smell of zeppoles frying at the fair, the sound of Mister Softee driving down the street. But, I am also letting go of any negative thoughts that have lingered in mind -- self-doubt, insecurities, toxic relationships.

The leaves are changing and so am I. 

They withstand rain in the spring and soak in the sun in the summer.  They change from green to burnt orange with a touch of amber in Autumn and fall in time to keep themselves away from the cold winter. They are ever-changing. They don't complain when it's time to change. This fall I am encouraging myself to continue to change to a stronger, better me-- to continue to thrive even when things are changing around me or when others want to be cold towards me or try to rain on my parade.

This season I am going to continue to fall in love with myself, with my passions, with my life.

Living in the present...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson

Self-doubt sucks. It's where my insecurities rest. Some days are a breeze, others are a nightmare. Some nights I lay in my bed, replay the entire day and evaluate my actions and reactions to everything. Then I think to myself -- "Why did I say that?" or "Why did I do that?" or "Why did that person react to me that way?" And there I go criticizing my every move and every word.

I am my biggest critic. 

I've suffered from anxiety. I've been admitted into the hospital for what I thought were heart attacks that turned out to be panic attacks. I never knew how much our mental state could affect our physical state. I've had nights where my heart felt like it was going to bust out my chest. I've had nights when  I couldn't breathe properly because it felt like my lungs weren't getting enough air. I've had nights that  I've lost feeling in my arms and couldn't even grasp a bottle of water. I've had nights that I wish I could just close my eyes and not wake up. Those nights were long and painful though I wish I could say they were far and few.

Panic attack - a sudden surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear. Your heart pounds and you can’t breathe. You may even feel like you’re dying or going crazy. Left untreated, panic attacks can lead to panic disorder and other problems. They may even cause you to withdraw from normal activities. But panic attacks can be cured and the sooner you seek help, the better. With treatment, you can reduce or eliminate the symptoms of panic and regain control of your life.

2017 has been life altering for me. I've forced myself to not worry about the what-ifs. I've had to face my truth, set a new standard for myself, and establish personal goals.

I had to regain control of my life. 

No longer do I hold on to the past and where I've failed, but I look forward to accomplishing personal goals. I've had to re-train myself to learn that I really don't have control over everything. I can only control only myself. A lot of my anxiety stemmed from striving to meet others' standards and when I failed, not only did anxiety hit me hard, but depression came along right behind it. Therefore I set my own standards and try to reach those daily. I've had to take baby steps.  I'm a big planner. I like to set daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly goals. I'm so glad when I get to check things off in accomplishment. I don't share them with many people, but it's eased my anxiety because I've learned that not everyone is going to be on my side and there's also a fine line between transparency and oversharing.

This journey. This anxiety. It has become the thorn in my flesh.

It's 4:44...

Yes, I am a Christian. I'm not perfect, but I grew up in the Lord.  Yes, I am writing about Hip-Hop. And no, I'm not lost or sold out. 

I don't follow celebrity scoop at all. The scoop is plastered all over the media, but it doesn't move me. There are some celebrities that I really like, but even I don't usually know what's the latest buzz on them.

I grew up in urban Jersey City (pre-gentrification). Back when we used to sit on our porches in the summer, run to the Mister Softee truck on the corner of Monmouth Street, and when we could afford to shop at Newport Mall. Jersey City before the yuppies took over, before all the high-rises were built, when rent was affordable and life was different. Growing up in an urban community, music was an outlet for almost everyone. It's what brought people together. Nothing beats 90s Hip-Hop and R&B. I used to love that music. When beats were simple but still dope. Yes, I used dope as an adjective. Carry on. As the 2000s came and rolled by, music changed. The message changed. I stopped listening because I couldn't relate and simply couldn't feel a thing. It didn't tug at my heart strings or make me evaluate my life. It just didn't do a thing. Being a mother also didn't motivate to even give this "new" era of music a try. I didn't want my children being influenced by garbage, so I mostly listened to Christian music, but still listened to older music. My kids are now 10, almost 6, and 7. They soak in information like sponges. They have their own taste in music, preferably electronica and dubstep, and I'm okay with that. My daughter has no idea who Beyonce is, but she does know her one song "Run the World (Girls)" because we dance to it at least a couple of times a week in the kitchen. Mother/Daughter Moments. Beyonce. Beyonce. Then there's Jay-Z. I won't call myself a fan because I don't really listen to his music, but I do remember rockin' to "Big Pimpin" back in 2000. That definitely was a hit in Summer 2000. I don't know much about Jay, but I definitely know he's a big asset to the Hip-Hop culture. Remember that song Hard Knock Life? I definitely enjoyed that song and I was about 11 years old when that one came out and remember my dad blasting that song and just completely being in his element. It's 2017 and the #couplegoals and #marriagegoals are Beyonce and Jay-Z. Fans love them. The industry loves them. Celebrities love them. Bey & Jay.

"My heart breaks for the day I had to explain my mistakes..." -Jay-Z, 4:44 

On June 30th, Jay-Z decided to hit us with 4:44. This couple likes to drop bombs. Beyonce dropped Lemonade in early 2016 and everyone was sipping on that. They loved it, but folks had questions. Who is Becky with the good hair? Did he really cheat? Questions and more questions. Beyonce came out with this album in the middle of my heartbreak. I listened. I cried. And cried. And cried. But there they were plastered all over the media looking happy as can be. And I was sad and lonely. I opened up my Tidal app and took a listen. I listened to all the track of this new Jay album, and it reminded me of that 90s Hip-Hop I used to love, but nothing moved me up until I got to the song titled 4:44. Yes, I cried. I shed some tears. This man addressed the rumors and didn't have to. I didn't cry because of the exposure, but because restoration of marriage/relationships is real. Read my previous blog and you'll see what I mean. It doesn't matter how big of a career they have, how much money is in their bank account, or how many fans they have, this is life. I am all for love. I love love. Most importantly, it took time for them to heal. They're probably still healing now, and it is nobody's business. We sometimes tend to idolize people forgetting that they're human. Celebrities themselves forget that their human. They're not larger than life and are not exempt from struggles and marital woes. Music is therapeutic. I won't be jumping on this "Bey and Jay" bandwagon, but I can definitely respect and appreciate authenticity. I know this album addressed other issues that we are facing today, but this one song took it home for me. It's deeper than him addressing "Becky." He addresses his emotional absence in his marriage and his example to his children. He confesses his weaknesses and humbles himself to his wife and family. He acknowledges his wrong. This is self-reflection. I won't Jay-Z as an artist because his music doesn't really move me to do so, and I don't prefer his references to himself as HOV, or his previous references to God. On that same token, I won't persecute him, but I will give credit where it is due. I'm glad that this album speaks authenticity that I've yet to hear in any genre of music including Christian music. I doubt a Christian artist has exposed their sin through lyrics in a song to help others break through. I respect Jay's revelation in his life and hope that humility comes back in style...for the culture.