Rebuilding Broken Walls

"Remember the word that you commanded your servant Moses, saying, "If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the people, but if you return to me and keep my commandments and do them, though your outcasts are in the uttermost parts of heaven, from there I will gather them and bring them to the place that I have chosen, to make my name dwell there." -Nehemiah 1:9 

I am so thankful for the blessing of restoration. Not too long ago, all I could do was look at the broken pieces of my life. Broken relationships, broken situations, broken heart. I woke up with the feeling of hopelessness every single morning, but had to put on my happy face to survive the day. It was all a facade. Fake it 'til you make it. 

That was one of the most difficult things I had to do. I used to be so naive and put my trust in a lot of people around me through my transparency. I figured if I "kept it real" and shared my struggles, surely someone would give me guidance or sound advice. I was definitely wrong, and my transparency showed to be naive. I shared these broken parts of myself and to no avail found myself still broken. I didn't feel better. Nobody fixed it, and I was stuck alone. I had to face myself. I was just so tired of going through the motions. This time I had no one to bail me out.

There's something about hitting rock bottom. It's where all of the ugly parts of me were exposed. It's where I mentally and emotionally let everything go, because, well... I had nothing to hold on to any way. I had nothing more to lose. I thought my cup was full, but it was broken and leaking. All I could ask myself was "Where is the reset button?"

My marriage was dead. My relationships were sour. I could barely look at myself in the mirror.

But God... 

God met me where I hit rock bottom. He came even when I didn't know what to pray anymore. I was pretty sure He was tired of hearing me pray and cry about the same thing every single day, but is so true when the Bible says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)  I didn't want anything for selfish gain. I just wanted my family back. As I sat rock bottom, I faced the ugliest parts of myself -- the controlling, manipulative, jealous, resentful side of myself. This is who I was looking at. Rock bottom is where I decided to change my life taking baby steps everyday to a better, renewed version of me. 

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." -J.K. Rowling

As redundant as it sounds, I had to work on me before I could be an asset to anyone. I dropped my old habits and picked up new ones. From waking up earlier to making sure my house was clean every night before I went to bed. I even made sure to get my kids on a new daily routine to make all of our lives a bit easier. I started journaling (with an actual pen and paper) in order to express my thoughts instead of running to a person so I can vomit all of my current life stressors. Writing became my therapy that didn't involve anyone giving me their opinion or advice. It's where I found my confidence again. It's where I was able to re-identify who I was, what and who I loved, what was important and what no longer mattered. I found my therapy when I hit rock bottom. I am able to rebuild as God restores those struggling areas of my life.

What forgiveness feels like...

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and there is anything praiseworthy-- meditate on these things." Phillipians 4:8 

Sometimes as I do some self-reflection, I begin to go over the "what ifs" in my life. What if I did this instead of that? What if I went here and not there? What if I lived here instead of there? What if I listened? What if I was less stubborn? What if I was less fearful? What if I opened my mouth and said something? 

Forgiveness is one of the foundations of my Christian walk. I've learned about God's grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness all throughout my life. But what happens when God has forgiven you, but you haven't been able to forgive yourself? Sometimes it seems easier to forgive someone else rather than yourself. How do you get pass the guilt? 

I've learned that a lot of poor choices I made were birthed from fear and insecurities. I was fearful of feeling inadequate, but my behaviors ended up being self-destructive. I've had to humble myself and apologize to people I've hurt and/or let down. I've had to re-live painful moments that I never wanted to revisit so that I can heal. Along this road of self-reflection, I noticed my pattern of self-sabotage. As I've become aware of my self-destructive behaviors, I've been able to make a conscious effort to not get my mind stuck there. I am able to pray more intentional prayers, actively seek godly counsel, and express my fears and anxieties. I used to think that God was punishing me all the time (and I also felt like I deserved it), but I learned that although He has removed my transgressions, that doesn't exclude me from natural consequences. Here's the catch... I need not dwell in my sorrow or my guilt. I cannot allow myself to drown in depression. I cannot constantly replay the negative choices I made. If God isn't blaming me, why am I blaming myself? "Steph... you need to get over it." That's exactly what I tell myself, sometimes daily. Once I begin to wallow in guilt, all the ugly parts of me start to show. And I don't want to be ugly. 

So I ask -- what does forgiveness feel like? It feels like freedom. Joy. Healing. Like being able to breathe after coming up from the water. Forgiveness feels like gaining your power back.

Pulling off the band-aid...

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." -Psalm 40:2

When I was able to face my truth, that's when grace came into my life. For so much of my life, I felt that I had to always perform. I always had the excel in all areas of my life with no exceptions. I always had to help myself, family, and those around me but I failed to get my priorities straight. Because of the need to perform, I struggled with anxiety. My mental health was put in the back burner. My emotional stability was non-existent. Everyone always came to me to seek advice whether it be about seeking God or helping them fix up their resume.

Based on my Myers-Briggs test results, I am an ESFJ. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, take the test for yourself and see what your personality type is at 16personalities.com) I am considered "the consul/caregiver." Aside from that, God created me to be a "help meet." Hence, my desire to always want to help. It's in my design. But what happens when the helper needs help?

My experiences in the last two years of my life has taught me that I am not invincible. I don't HAVE to do it all, and that's okay. There is no need to feel like I have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's what I have God for. Even growing up in church, I let my circumstances cloud my vision in my faith. It's like I forgot who God was. I forgot who I was. I had to be broken down and that was scary. 

Vulnerability is scary. 

I lost myself. I lost my desires. I was numb to everything and everyone. Everything was "fine." It is what it is. That was my motto-- and I was in a slump.  I practically went into hiding. I no longer wanted to deal with people, and I surely didn't want anyone asking about me. I didn't even want to face my reality or ask myself those tough questions.

Exposure is necessary. 

Time passed and I faced a pivotal point in my life. I had the toughest conversation that I've ever had with anyone in my entire life that essentially made me ask myself, "Who am I really?" To this day the words that echo in my heart every single day are:

 "Don't let this world change who you are." 

Those few words changed my entire perspective in my life. A lot was said in that particular encounter, but nothing hit me more than that. We get so caught up in our lives, our circumstances, our weaknesses, and failures. I never knew what failing felt like until I lost it all. After losing everything that I considered my life, I didn't know how to cope with failure. Imagine the anxiety that hit me. I hid my pain and depression behind smiles and laughter and unbeknownst to anyone everyday I wished my life would end painlessly. 

There is so much more I can write here, and I'm so glad I have this space to self-reflect.  I am still uncovering layers of myself that I never knew I had, but I am so thankful to be able to face my own truths fearlessly. It hurts to peel band-aids off, but proper healing is necessary. 

Daddy Issues

father (noun) - a man who has begotten a child; a male parent; a father-in-law, stepfather, or adoptive father

Today is Father's Day -- a day set aside to honor the fathers in our lives. As a little girl I always looked forward to this day because I loved to show my dad how thankful I was to have him as a father. I was a Daddy's Girl. We were inseparable-- whether we were chatting up a storm at the kitchen table, cracking jokes on each other, or going out to eat at our favorite diner. It is one of my favorite past times.

It's so hard to believe the distance between us now. We are practically strangers. The only connection I have to him is my mother. Once I got pregnant with my oldest child our relationship changed drastically. The closeness we once had was gone and neither one of us knew how to deal with it. Even after ten years, it still stings sometimes. The father I once had is gone. He's alive, but not present. There is a different type of emptiness from never having known your father to knowing him and your relationship ceases to exist. I had the best father/daughter relationship that shattered because he didn't agree with the decisions that I made in my life. I can understand the disappointment my father has had, but I feel like the last ten years of my life would have been different had he played as active a role in my life as he did for 18 years.

But...I can't live my life as a grown woman looking back on the last ten years of my relationship with my father. I am and will always be willing to rekindle our relationship. In the meantime, I will be grateful for the relationship my children have with my husband-- their father. We have both learned a lot about ourselves and parenting based on our relationships with our fathers-- what to do and what not to do.

I've only barely scratched the surface of my father/daughter relationship (I would need pages of blogs to explain it all) but I am thankful for the years my father poured into me. Hence, this day being bittersweet for me. It fills me with joy seeing my daughter with her father. He loves her, reassures her, and empowers her. I pray that everything I lacked as a girl/woman he gives to her. I know he will.

  Happy Father's Day! 

Grandma is gone... One Year Later

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Matthew 5:4 

June 15, 2016: 

Fortunately, I've never dealt with a loss of a loved one as an adult.  My maternal grandmother passed away when I was seven years old, and although I have many memories with her, the concept of death didn't really click at that time. Many years later when my paternal grandmother passed, it was a surreal experience. My youngest brother graduated Saint Peter's University in May 2016. He visited her in the hospital and even got a picture with her in his cap & gown, but even after a few weeks of her being in the hospital we thought she was going to pull through like she always did. I was engulfed in my own drama and life problems, it never dawned on me that I may lose her. 

I got a call from my mother saying that Grandma wasn't looking too good and the family needs to gather together and see her. She was on life support and was going to leave us any day. It still didn't register. I was never a fan of making hospital visits because they remind me of death. My other grandmother passed away in the hospital from breast cancer, I almost died in one back in 2011 after the birth of my daughter, and here I was again. It was a stressful couple of days having to find someone to stay with my kids so I can get myself to the hospital in Brooklyn. I picked up my youngest brother in Jersey City and we headed over. I never liked driving in New York, but there I was with anxiety trying to weave through traffic. I still thought Grandma was going to pull through. 

I finally got to the hospital and greeted my family. It really sucks having to see everyone together under these circumstances. My grandmother didn't look the same.  Her extremities were swollen, and she laid there breathing so slowly. We played Spanish Christian "coritos" in the background and softly sang some of her favorite songs. After some time, the doctor came in and said he would remove her tubes when we were ready. My grandmother wanted everyone there when they did this, but my father was nowhere to be found. (I think he took her death the hardest of anyone). The doctor did let us know that after the tubes are removed there's no telling when she will take her final breath. 

I held her hand, kissed her cheek, and told her "God is waiting to finally meet you." Shortly, after she left us. 

I cried so hard in the hospital hallway. I couldn't contain the pain I felt. I didn't know how. My life was already in shambles. I wasn't okay. I was broken. Everything in my life was failing. And to have lost her at that moment in my life was even more devastating. I rushed out the hospital to go pick up my kids and didn't know how to react. I was numb, but I had to be Mom for my kids. My husband and I were separated at the time, so it was just me. The only thing I could do function was numb my emotions. With all that was going on in my life, the only thing I could do was numb myself of everything.  Summer 2016 was one of the most difficult summers of my life. I am a feeler. I am empathetic. I love wholeheartedly. My emotions are strong. This summer I was empty.

Numb.

Nobody knew what was going on in my mind. I didn't share. I lost sight of who I was. It was definitely a scary & dark time in my life.

I never grieved my grandmother's death. I don't think there's an allotted amount of time to mourn, but I do know I never did, although it passes by in spurts. I watched Moana with my kids and the grandmother in the movie looked just like mine did -- her white hair, her beautiful skin color, even the way she talked. She was a feisty woman. Sometimes I reach my phone to call her because it doesn't always register to me that she's not here. I reflect on my life now versus where I was a year ago, and I know without a doubt that my grandmother is proud of me. Despite anything that ever happened, she always told me to stand firm in God. I've never met a woman of God like her. It never mattered what anyone said. Their opinions didn't matter. Most will call it stubborn, but I like to see it as unshakeable, unmovable faith. I want to make it to 94 years old like she did and look back on my life knowing that God is pleased with me and says "Well done, my good and faithful servant." 

My First 5K

endurance

noun |  en·dur·ance | \in-ˈdu̇r-ən(t)s, -ˈdyu̇r-, en-\

Today I ran my first 5K since my high school days when I used to be on the Cross Country Track team. GO COUGARS! I definitely set some goals for 2017 that I've been slowly achieving, one of which was to become more active and healthy. Managing three kids who are quite active themselves and being a working mom doesn't allow much time for me to achieve that goal. A little over a month ago I decided to stop making excuses for myself and just go! The Fort Lee PBA was hosting a 5K and I somehow decided that I was going to run.

I live just a few blocks from the high school track, so I bought a FitBit, a pair of Beats by Dre, and hit the track with the kids in tow. The first mile I ran was tough. My lungs were probably in shock along with the rest of my body. From then on I set a goal to run at least three days a week. I wanted to build stamina and endurance. Sometimes my kids wanted to run with me, other times they preferred to run and play on the turf inside the track. Some weeks were great, other weeks-- not so much. June has been full of so much rain. We even had a week when it was mostly dreary or wet. Not only that, but the kids have been wrapping up the school year ao it's been overwhelming at home. 

The Day Before... My foot got crushed by a big plastic bottle of orange juice in the supermarket. How grand! There I went limping and on the verge of tears from the pain. Once I got home I iced my foot and settled down. 
Race Day... I woke up ready. My foot was just a little sore, but it was manageable. I put on my breathable yoga pants, sports bra, t-shirt, laced up my sneakers, and my handy dandy Nathan's Runner's Belt that stores my phone, Driver's License, and even even comes with a small water bottle. I highly recommend it. I purchased mine at Modell's (orig. value is $29.99, but I had a $20 off coupon and only spent $10). 

The race started at 10am, but I got there just before 9am to register, pick up my bib number, check out the tables, and stretch. It was already getting pretty hot when the high school student sang The National Anthem. Shortly after runners were asked to line up at the starting line. There were over 500 participants which included both runners and walkers. I put my Beats on and started the Pitbull album on Spotify. I was talking to myself in my head the entire time. I didn't start off fast, but at a good even pace, but as I approached the 2 mile mark my body was starting to give out. If it wasn't for the music, I would have started walking after 1.5 miles. The sun was blazing and I was just trying to keep up with the woman running with the stroller who wasn't too far ahead. My only focus was not to stop. The final stretch was rough. I had a young boy right in front of me and a high school student behind me. There were way too many people at the finish line who were watching so I pushed with whatever I had left in me. I did it! My time was far from what I used to run back in the day, but I am so proud to have finished. This is definitely the first of many more to come. 

Which way do I go?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

---

This Robert Frost poem is definitely one of my favorites. I remember having to analyze and dissect this poem in high school, but it didn't make an impact on my life until years later. In essence, this is about making choices. Not only are we required to make some hard decisions in life, but these same decisions seem to be what define us. 

My father still defines me by the decisions I made when I was 18 years old. 

Have you ever done something and while you're doing it you ask yourself --"What am I doing?" and then do it anyway! After all is said and done, you proceed to ask "What did I do?" I am completely guilty of doing this on way too many occasions. Frost's poem teaches me not to delve into self-deception, self-doubt, oversimplification or overrationalization.   

I was pregnant at 18 during my second year of college. One day  I sat with my college counselor and shared my heart with her. I was faced with the responsibilities of motherhood at a young age and had completely no idea what I was doing. I looked on Facebook as friends continued to live their freely in their college years while I cared for a baby. My counselor told me that years from now my peers and I will be in similar positions-- facing parenthood, families, work, and other facets of life. The only difference is that we will have experienced life events in a different order. 

My oldest son is now 10 years old, and as I check out social media I see friends getting married, becoming parents, getting job promotions, traveling, and living life, I remember what my counselor told me, and she was right. I got married days after my 23rd birthday, and now I see friends getting married now. I've learned how to manage three kids and friends are experiencing their first child. Our lives took different paths, but essentially we will get to the same destination -- our own rendition of a fulfilled life, but the paths we traveled made all the difference.

And then there's this great interpretation from Piper on "Orange is the New Black." 

bliss

 noun - \ˈblis\

           perfect happiness; great joy.

As the months narrow down to the day I turn 30, I look at my life and begin to reassess my life decisions, goals, dreams, and aspirations. I wonder if I'm doing life right. I've conquered so many battles and hurdled over so many obstacles, especially in the recent years, that now I look back and am so grateful for God's mercy and grace over my life. 

I was drawn to people pleasing. At the same time I felt the need to portray an image of myself to others about who I was -- always positive, happy, smiling, and upbeat. In reality, I was drowning in fear -- in fear of what others would think of me if they knew my truths. But how can I embrace all of who I am, as a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, professional, if I can't face my own reality? There were moments I was alone and I would cry and ask -- Who am I? - Who did I become? - What am I doing? - When did life get this bad? - When did the spirit of fear take over my life? - Why did I lose everything? - Why did I hurt the people I love? -  Why did I do this? - Why did I do that? 

Questions. Questions... and more questions. 

And I didn't have the answers. 

Fast forward to today >>>>>
2017 has been an incredible journey of self-rediscovery. I'm learning how to let go of my control issues, insecurities, and unhealthy relationships. I can do a lot, but I cannot change everything or anyone. I'm learning how to be a better wife to my husband, a better mother to my children, a more efficient worker, a more reliable friend, a loving daughter/sister, and a better follower of Christ. Sometimes there's a lot of clutter in my head, and I am learning who I can de-clutter with. I've rediscovered the beauty and peacefulness of journaling, something I used to do all the time.

I am a multi-faceted woman, and I am learning to embrace it all ---

the good, the bad, the ugly.

When life gives you lemons...

I welcome you to my blog as I take my heels off, roll up my sleeves, and make some lemonade.